From the Heartland...


This startling photograph is just part of the dramatic findings recently hacked from the internal files of the U.S.Department of Agriculture. Study of these files reveals that.our federal government, Orville Redenbacher and the research chemists at Ohio State University School of Agriculture have been involved for more than 30 years in a venture whose purpose was to develop and exploit the many potential uses for corn. We are all quite familiar with ethanol, a gasoline additive made from corn that is making us minutely less oil dependent. Apparently, from these same files, there are plans on the drawing board ranging from the use of corn derivatives to improve dog's breath to a startling new line of Manolo Blahnik figure skates to movie theatre quality popcorn that you can have right at home. There was nothing startling about these endeavors. There is nothing new about the profit motive.

Further examination of the secret files shows the playful yet irresponsible side of federally funded university scientists. These researchers sought and won a grant in the amount of 2.75 billion dollars to use corn byproducts instead of stem cells to clone life forms. Ironically, much the same way as marijuana plants are intermingled with cornstalks as a kind of natural camouflage, the cloning experiments were conducted in the open expanses of the vast cornfields of central Ohio. To be sure plenty of marijuana is still being grown on much of the farm acreage in Ohio, but that is not story here. What this photograph undeniably shows is a new corn-based life form maturing alongside the corn from which it is genetically related.

While the study is incomplete about exactly what this new life form is, it can be deduced that it is the offspring of the scientific mingling of corn and marijuana. University scientists, again showing their playful side, have dubbed the new creation "Cornelia". The secret files go on to state that "Cornelia" will be gently harvested when the surrounding corn and marijuana is ripe , kept alive indoors in optimum growing conditions, and studied for potential profit related uses or uses that would  greatly benefit all mankind, whichever comes first. Past history tells us that any real breakthrough in science will be held back from the public until the incumbent’s reelection campaign.  That is unless those same playful scientists are merely in the marijuana business and what appears at first glance to be a simple cloning anomaly is in reality just a government-funded, sophisticated scarecrow for the sole benefit dope growers of central Ohio. Our tax dollars at play. Honest.